Guilt
by DoItForNarnia
Summary: Katniss and Peeta ended up together, but how much of it was real? Something happens in Thirteen with Katniss, and finding herself in love might change the circumstances completely. Slightly OOC.


**Summary:** Katniss and Peeta ended up together, but how much of it was real? Something happens in Thirteen with Katniss, and finding herself in love might change the circumstances completely.

**Note:** This is just a one-shot, it skips out huge chunks I know, but the idea is that one event slightly alters everything onwards. It happens mid-Mockingjay or so, with Peeta still in the Capitol. Of course it is slightly out of character, but I always thought Katniss was a little heartless, especially at the end where she seemed so disconnected. I know she was grieving for Prim etc, but I always liked the idea of Katniss/Finnick, so I came up with this little ficlet. I wrote this all in one night, it's unedited though I'm pretty sure coherent, so don't rip me apart. It's just for fun. Also this is my first kind of lemon so don't hate, I'm already squicky enough as it is. I think that's everything I wanted to say... Just thought I'd get this out there, it's the first thing I've wirtten in months. So thanks for reading.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Hunger Games series, everything belongs to the author. And I am not her.

* * *

**Guilt**

I don't even bother to hide in the cupboard today, instead simply lying back on the bunk in my room. I feel so conflicted, I'm full of guilt over Peeta, who I know is somewhere in the Capitol, being tortured if he's not already dead all because of me. I don't even know what they could be doing to him, but something tells me Snow won't just have let him die in peace.

I sigh, turning over to face the wall.

I don't just feel guilt though. There's something else too, more at the forefront of my mind. All this time I spent trying to bring myself to love Peeta or even Gale back, but I couldn't do it. I had come to think that maybe I couldn't love at all. But then I noticed something. There was someone there, who I had started putting before myself, whose happiness was one of my biggest concerns. He had helped me, put me back together when I was falling apart. My stomach is full of the knots I picture him tying, tethering up his frustrations. I feel sick because I've spent this long thinking I can't love, and then along comes Finnick. Who is in love with someone else.

Eventually, I pull myself up, rebraiding my hair before trailing slowly down to dinner. I seek out Prim, someone I know will not judge me for any of this, and see her sat with my mother, Hazelle, and as my luck would have it, Finnick himself. I groan silently, hoping to find Johanna to sit with perhaps, but before I can turn away Prim has spotted me and she and Finnick wave me over, grinning. I force a smile and move to sit with them, hoping to avoid input into the conversation. I feel as though if I only speak in his direction my voice will give me away.

"Where have you been all day, Katniss?" I hear Prim ask and I am brought out of my thoughts.

"Around," I say, because we all know I haven't been doing what was tattooed on my arm. I never do. Prim frowns for a moment while I see Finnick smirking from the corner of my eye and I can't help myself, I grin back.

"And you, what did you find yourself doing?" I ask.

She tells me how she mostly helped my mother with those still sick of injured from the District 8 disaster, and I bite my lip when she tells me how they're training her to become a medic. She's growing up far too fast. I know I did myself but that was only so she didn't have to, and now my own stupidity has brought this upon us all and she's been forced out of her home and into somewhere unfamiliar where in no time at all I'm sure they'll be calling her soldier.

My hand shakes and I put down my fork, easing a smile back onto my face and I force out a strained "That's great."

I don't pick up my fork again but instead nibble half-heartedly at a bread roll, taking only a couple of bites before dropping it back onto my plate. I think I fool them because no one looks at me oddly, but then again, out of my peripheral I see Finnick staring at me, concern filling his eyes. I hate to see only concern there when I'm sure he can see everything I feel so I mumble something about being tired and slip out from my seat, making my way down the miserable grey corridor.

I feel so pathetic and weak but I'm clenching my jaw in an attempt to stop my eyes from welling up. I pride myself on being strong, to the point where people question how human I must be but now that my feelings are on the line I'm losing control. I take deep breaths to stop myself when I hear footsteps behind me.

"Katniss!"

It's Finnick. I quicken my pace, practically running now but he's quicker and he grabs my wrist gently, turning me around to face him. His eyes are looking right at mine, the green penetrating my defences and I well up again. He pulls me into a nearby room, an empty conference area by the looks of it, sits me down and takes a seat next to me.

"What's wrong? Is it the business with your sister? Because I can speak with Coin, have her assigned-"

He stops speaking because the tears have started to leak out and the sobs begin to rack my body. I turn my head away and cover my face with my hands but he reaches out and holds my face, forcing me to look at him.

"Kat, tell me what's wrong."

So I do. "I just… it's Prim and Coin…but I don't, Peeta. He's missing still, and I feel so guilty but I don't… I can't…" Most of what I say is unintelligible and comes out in a rushed mess.

He almost laughs a little, but stops because my crying hasn't ceased. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry but I barely caught any of that. Something about Prim, in which case I will speak to Coin. But then Peeta? The rescue mission is in planning, we'll have him back soon." He sighs, "I know you miss him."

I shake my head, which catches his attention and he looks at me quizzically. "That's the thing, I miss him… but not like that. I don't love him."

"Katniss, I'm sure this is just because you're confused. Once we rescue him, you'll see him and you'll realise."

"No, you don't understand, I can never love him in that way. Not in the way that I- that you love Annie."

He keeps looking at me, as if he's trying to say something but can't bring himself to. Eventually, he sighs and looks down. "I think you love Peeta exactly how I love Annie." I start to shake my head but he silences me. "You feel guilty because he loves you and has done so much for you. You want to save him… but there's nothing stronger there. I don't love Annie like you think I do. It's harsh, but it's no more than… obligation. I mentored her, saw her at her darkest, her most terrified. And in a way I feel responsible for that. I trained her to be a killer… to be like me. And I feel as though I have to make up for that."

My heart skips a beat and though I'm still crying, I feel something else there. It's been a while so it takes me a moment to identify it, but it comes to me eventually. Hope.

"I think you're right," I tell him. "I think when Peeta comes back, I'm going to have to pretend to love him. But I'll never be happy like that. Not now that…" I look down, unable to say anymore.

"Now that what?" Finnick asks, and I notice he's moved closer. I can almost feel his breath on me. I close my eyes. I can't say it. "Katniss, look at me. Now that what?"

"Not now that I love you." I stand up, pulling myself from him and stand across the room. The tears have started again and my chest aches. "Not now that I know what real love feels like. Not obligation or guilt. Love. Are you happy? I love you. I don't care if I've only known you for a couple of months, or if you're older, or if it's wrong. I can't help it. I love you."

I can't even look away before he's on his feet and walking towards me. He takes my face in his hands and whispers, "Finally."

His lips close around mine and I sigh in relief, returning the kiss. It's softer than I imagined, gentler, and I put my hands around his neck while his move into my hair, running his hands through it. I deepen the kiss and he responds in kind, moving from slow to urgent, a build-up of unspoken emotion that's been hovering around for so long. We slowly break apart, catching our breath and I lean my forehead against his.

"Finally?" I ask.

"Finally. I was so certain you loved him at first. When he hit that forcefield in the arena, and you almost fell apart. Well I knew I had to bring him back if only for you. I kept my feelings hidden of course, I thought you were in love with him. But lately, I've been feeling as though I have to say something, despite how you felt in return. And as luck would have it…"

I laugh. "You didn't have to say anything at all. There's just one thing bothering me," I confess.

"You're worried what people will say."

"It's not like that! I mean, it's just.. I'm sure half the country thinks I'm a selfish liar, leading both Peeta and Gale on. But I never intended to."

"I know. Aside from anything, Annie is unstable. Assuming we save her from the Capitol, I don't know how she'll manage. But neither of them is here now, harsh as it sounds. So we go from here. We keep it a secret, and work things out as they come."

"As they come. Alright, we'll play it by ear." I agree. "I love you."

He smiles. "Whatever happens in the Capitol, _whatever_, just remember that I love you too. Always will."

* * *

The next morning, I feel lighter. Still guilt ridden and anxious, but lighter. I find Finnick at breakfast and we sit with my mother and Prim once more, neither of whom seems to notice anything. Chores are done, and we manage to convince Coin to drop the 'soldier' business with Prim. Whenever there's a spare moment, Finnick or I drag one another into a deserted room or hallway, just relishing the time we have together before something happens to change it.

Over the next few days the pattern repeats itself. We sneak around, in and out of empty rooms until one particularly heated night after dinner, when we find ourselves slipping away to the bedroom bunkers, to Finnick's in particular. Being that I share with my mother and Prim, that would be wildly inappropriate. Checking that the hallway is empty, we half run hand in hand to his room, and he opens the door, pulling me through and slamming it behind us. We're kissing again, and it's heated and urgent. Shoes and jackets are thrown off onto the floor, and his hands are round my waist. I slip my hand up his shirt and it's soon off, along with my own. We move to his bed, hands roaming once more and he starts to loosen my belt. I look up, breaking the kiss momentarily.

He freezes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No," I say, "It's fine. I was just shocked."

"You're sure?" I answer with a kiss, helping him take my own trousers off and he does the same, until we're both lying almost naked. He moves on top of me and I move to take off my underwear. He raises his eyebrows in surprise but I only smile, and he responds in kind. Within minutes we're both naked and panting, and he whispers against my neck.

"Are you sure you want to do this? I don't want to pressure you or anything like that."

"Finnick, I am sure. I love you, and I want to do this with you. Whatever happens with the Capitol or _anyone_, I want to know that I had this with you."

"I love you," he says finally, before moving and slowly positioning itself.

It hurts at first, for a minute and he stops, whispering that he's sorry but I just shake my head, catching my breath for a moment before telling him he can move again. It takes some seconds to adjust but eventually I'm panting in ecstasy. I return to his mouth, kissing him as we move together.

Heat and sweat fill the air along with the whispered 'I love yous' and we collapse together side by side, his arm around mine and min stretched across us. I play with his fingers and he blows into my ear which makes me turn my head and I'm facing him.

"Can you stay?" he asks, and for a minute I wonder if he has nightmares as badly as I do.

"For a while."

He sighs. And I think of something. "I could go for a while and wait for them to fall asleep and then come back here?" The smile creeps back onto his face and I laugh. "There's that smile."

I peck his lips before getting up and putting my clothes back on. I can't find my panties for a minute but I see Finnick holding them in front of me, and he holds them away so I can't reach them. I ignore it and slip my trousers straight on, leaving him laughing as I walk out. My mother and Prim arrive about ten minutes after me, both of them going to bed straight away. It doesn't take long before they fall asleep so I slip down the darkened hallways back to Finnick's room where he is in practically the same position.

"You came back," he states

"Of course, you didn't think I would?" I'm slightly indignant, but I ignore it.

"No I did, just not quite this soon. Now are you going to stand there or are you going to strip off and join me?"

I slide my clothes back off laughing and climb back into the bed with him where he throws his arm around me again. I'm not sure he's confident that I'm here to stay so I assure him.

"I'm not going to go."

* * *

Throughout the next four weeks I take to sneaking into his room at night, and my mother thinks I'm just leaving early to clear my mind or something. Plans are being made for a rescue mission to the Capitol to save Peeta and Johanna, and Annie who we find out is being held there too. It's a bad night when we find that out, and I find it difficult to keep my emotions in check. I remind myself that he loves me and he's just feeling guilty, like I constantly do every time I remember that Peeta is trapped there too.

I almost cry when Finnick tells me he's on the rescue team. But I stop myself and calm down before kissing him. The day the team is due to leave, I give him my mockingjay pin that I ask Haymitch to get for me. I think he suspects something but he doesn't say, so I take the pin without question. I give it to Finnick, and he puts it in his chest pocket, concealing it. He kisses me fiercely and I'm left standing alone with my heart as empty as the hallway he left me in.

I spend most of the day pacing, returning to my old routine of avoiding my jobs and snapping when most people attempt to talk to me. They finally return and though I long to run to Finnick, I have to pretend Peeta is all I can think of, though no one will let me see him. Eventually I charge my way in only to have his hands round my neck and the next thing I know I'm waking up in a hospital bed, Haymitch and Finnick by my side.

"Peeta's been hijacked," Haymitch tells me when I demand an explanation. "Tracker jacker venom, and lots of it. It looks like they've taken…memories of you and turned them into something different. He thinks you're evil. The cause of his pain."

"What? You mean he can't remember anything good? I don't understand…" My mind is racing and I can hardly breathe. Finnick takes my hand to calm me and Haymitch glances down quickly before returning his eyes to me.

"Katniss, he can hardly remember his own name. Dr Aurelius is working on him, but nothing's certain. We don't know whether he's ever going to regain them."

I practically black out and Finnick spends the night consoling me. I hardly talk to him for a week because I can barely speak out of guilt.

"It's my entire fault, Finnick, they took him because of me."

"They took him because they hate. That is the reason, you can't blame yourself for something that's out of your control. If anything it's our fault, we were protecting you and we let Peeta out of our sight. I let them both go."

"Finnick, I'm sorry, Johanna is your friend and I've been completely focused on this and I-"

"Kat, it's fine, she's safe now. She's a little messed up and it might take a while but she'll get through it. Actually I heard someone say they were thinking of moving you two into a room together, so if you really feel you need to make it up to her… well the opportunity's there, but you don't need to. She knew what she was signing up for and she doesn't blame you." I nod, and we spend the rest of the night in silence.

* * *

The weeks turn into months and Finnick and I continue our relationship. Annie is worse than before, and she's hardly conscious anymore. Finnick grieves her but no one questions that he doesn't resume their relationship. They understand. Peeta gets better by a small amount – I've been allowed to see him twice for small amounts of time and it's hard to see what they've made him into. He remembers things bit by bit, but it's still hard.

On Dr Aurelius' advice we start a game. Whenever Peeta thinks he might remember something, he asks someone: "Real or not real?" It helps him to remember and I am as truthful as possible.

Eventually plans are made for us to break into the Capitol. Snow is to be taken into custody and they've formed a team to head it. There's myself and Finnick, Gale, Castor and Pollux with Cressida. Others are with us, and Coin orders Peeta onto our team. It's easy to work out why. If the Capitol solders fail to kill me, she always has hope that Peeta might lose control and go for me. I'll be her martyr, her symbol for rebellion no matter my opinion on the matter. I'm already a liability to her, so why not kill me now? Everyone knows it, we just don't say it. Peeta is handcuffed, for the time being. I feel bad, he should never have been put on the mission in the first place, and this is humiliating for him, especially as he seems to have such good clarity right now.

We break into the Capitol, though half of it manages to explode by the time we make our way into the centre and we have to go underground into the sewers. By this time Boggs is gone along with several others and the team is severely diminished. We make it to the sewers and manage for a while before we hear them. Mutts.

"Run!" I yell, and we do. We race as fast as we can, though we're hardly fast enough. We manage to make it to an exit and start to clamber up the ladder. I'm pushed up first by Gale and I can't turn behind me to find Finnick, but I know he's not close enough to me. He's helping Peeta. Half of us escape the disgusting reptilian dog mutts, and I'm almost out before I hear a scream. Castor. I bite back a scream and carry on climbing before I hear a scream I'd recognise anywhere.

"NO!" I try jumping down but Gale has me tight, and I can only watch as Finnick succumbs to the monsters, his head cut clean off right in front of my eyes. I don't hide my crying, I struggle in Gale's arms as he drags me out screaming. "Finnick! Finnick, no! Gale let me, I have to.. Finnick!"

But he is relentless, and I am dragged off with them into the night. I feel resentful almost, he died saving Peeta and he's right here beside me running. I hardly focus on anything, not caring now what happens to me. As long as I can get to the Capitol and kill Snow, I will be done. We take refuge in the house of a woman, Tigris. We stay in her basement and I overhear a conversation between Gale and Peeta. One line sticks in my mind.

"She'll choose the one she can't survive without."

And I let them believe it. Because they are right in a way. Finnick is dead and I can barely function. I don't know if I can survive without him.

The next night is a blur, the Capitol is taken and Snow taken into custody. A Capitol hovercraft drops bombs over civilians and they kill Prim. Another blow. My darling Prim, the only reason this whole thing happened in the first place. It's ironic. I first stepped foot in the arena because I volunteered. I volunteered to save her from certain death, and that's what she's rewarded with. But this way round, we lost too many. Castor, Boggs, Mags, Wiress, Rue, Portia, Cinna. And Finnick. My Finnick, left to be ravaged by mutts in a sewer, the nation's favourite victor is dead.

And so I vote for a Capitol Hunger Games.

Until I learn from Snow the truth about Prim's death. Coin would stop at nothing to ruin me. If I won't die, she would kill me on the inside. She orchestrated the bombs, built at the hands of Beetee and Gale, and they fell on Prim. They fell on us, and we are scarred forever, inside and out.

I don't eat for days, I don't speak when my mother, Haymitch and Peeta visit. Eventually, the time comes and Snow is sentenced to death. I'm handed a single arrow by Gale and I make my choice. The arrow flies straight and swift into Coin's heart, because I know that Snow has been sentenced so somebody else will kill him. He chokes on his own blood. Finnick and Prim are avenged. As much as they can be. I know neither would want a second games, so my vote is retracted, Haymitch's too.

I'm kept in isolation for I don't know how long and eventually I return to District 12 on a forced permanent basis. Greasy Sae forces me to eat. I eat, I breathe and I sleep. But I don't live. I can't anymore. Peeta returns, planting Primrose bushes and it touches me. But the wounds will never heal. We grow closer day by day, but I have to force myself to even speak to him. Finnick died to save Peeta, and I don't blame him. But I can't forget it.

We sit one day next to each other, Peeta's memories slowly returning and he must remember the second time we were in the arena. He plays our old game. "You love me. Real or not real?"

I clench my jaw for a moment before swallowing the sob that threatens to emerge. Finnick would have wanted us to be happy in whatever way. "Real," I say.


End file.
